Dear TBZ Community:
How do brothers greet each other after 20 years of separation? Who would be willing to take the first step; to utter the first words? Rabbi Norman J. Cohen asks this question in his book, Self, Struggle & Change: Family Conflict Stories In Genesis and Their Healing Insights For Our Lives.
Parshat Vayishlach narrates a journey of reconciliation, one that expects some kind of transformation. Though we do not know Esau’s side of the story, we do have Jacob’s. The Torah assumes that Esau has changed, allowing for the possibility that Jacob can journey to encounter his estranged brother.
The narrative of parshat Vayishlach appears to tell us two different stories.
The first story is the encounter of the brothers: Jacob runs away from his brother Esau and, after twenty years while on his journey back home, he hears that Esau is approaching with four hundred men. Jacob is scared. He prepares for it, as one prepares for a war: dividing his camp; sending gifts; and assuming that this encounter will be one of revenge, a moment of conflict. Instead, they embrace and kiss in what seems to be a moment of reconciliation – or at least a moment of acceptance and brotherly love.
וַיָּרץ עֵשָׂו לִקְרָאתוֹ וַיְחַבְּקֵהוּ וַיִּפֹּל עַל־צַוָּארָו וַיִּשָּׁקֵהוּ וַיִּבְכּוּ
Esau ran to greet him. He embraced him and, falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept
The second story is of Jacob fighting with a Divine being, with an angel.
וַיִּוָּתֵר יַעֲקֹב לְבַדּוֹ וַיֵּאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּׁחַר
Jacob was left alone. And a figure (Divine agent) wrestled with him until the break of dawn.
At this time, Jacob receives his new name, the name Israel:
וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא יַעֲקֹב יֵאָמֵר עוֹד שִׁמְךָ כִּי אִם־יִשְׂרָאֵל כִּי־שָׂרִיתָ עִם־אֱלֹהִים וְעִם־אֲנָשִׁים וַתּוּכָל
Said he, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with beings divine and human,and have prevailed.”
But Jacob not only receives a new name, he also gets hurt. That is a moment of vulnerability, a moment of pain.
These two stories, which could seem unrelated, aren’t just connected but are one and the same. Jacob’s journey to reconciliation with his brother, and perhaps even his journey of forgiveness for himself, comes only after some kind of personal transformation, through becoming vulnerable.
In the words of Rabbi Norman J. Cohen:
Jacob was different! He was transformed by the encounter with a figure on the bank of Jabbok. As the sun rose in the eastern sky, Jacob could be seen coming from the direction of Penuel and his night encounter. He was walking with a noticeable limp. Jacob has been irreparably wounded in the struggle making him even more vulnerable to attack from Esau. However the word for limp is tzoleiah which is similar to the term tzelah, meaning “side” or “rib.” In the story of Creation, God’s removal of Adam’s rib is the moment of birthing of his other side. Here Jacob is transformed and it’s now ready to be reconciled with the other.
The commentators are divided as to whether Esau’s hugs and kisses and kind words were genuine. Some are especially reluctant to credit Esau with any decent motives; Aviva Zornberg sees the brothers’ embrace as resembling Jacob’s encounter with the angel. Their embrace is a combination of hugging in love and grappling in struggle, as each one wants to merge with the other but also defeat him (as quoted in Humash Etz Hayim). Maybe Jacob and Esau’s embrace, by being a combination of hugging in love and grappling in struggle, speaks about the emotions we encounter in times of conflict. Emotions with those we are in conflict with, emotions within ourselves. To arrive at some kind of reconciliation or embrace, we must first become vulnerable. And that is perhaps what Jacob finally learns after a life of running away and deceit: he is finally able to get hurt and open up for a true embrace. The Torah portion ends with Isaac’s death and the Torah tells us that Isaac was buried by his two sons, Jacob and Esau:
וַיִּהְיוּ יְמֵי יִצְחָק מְאַת שָׁנָה וּשְׁמֹנִים שָׁנָה
Isaac was a hundred and eighty years old
וַיִּגְוַע יִצְחָק וַיָּמת וַיֵּאָסֶף אֶל־עַמָּיו זָקֵן וּשְׂבַע יָמִים וַיִּקְבְּרוּ אֹתוֹ עֵשָׂו וְיַעֲקֹב בָּנָיו
when he breathed his last and died. He was gathered to his kin in ripe old age; and he was buried by his sons Esau and Jacob.
The brothers part ways, to different places. The story of encounter and reconciliation in the Torah leaves things pretty real. It is not lasting, they don’t live “happily ever after,” the struggles will continue to exist, but at least some moment of vulnerability will allow them to find and experience the Divine presence in their life.
I hope and pray that this is true for each of us. That our lives and its struggles are accompanied with moments of true vulnerability and humility. Moments that might be hard are also moments of depth and of Divine encounter, encounters of love and connection.
I hope this can be true in our personal lives and in the ways that we humans relate to each other. But as in this story, there is no happily ever after… just an ongoing journey! And how blessed we are that Torah can inspire us in this journey.
May this Shabbat bring renewal and blessings to all of you and your loved ones.
May we find strength, courage, and patience, and open our hearts with generosity.
May all those who are ill find healing. And may we have a joyful, sweet, and peaceful Shabbat.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rav Claudia