Bring Your Kids to TBZ

Bringing your children to shul: a guide to the perplexed

By Sara Smolover, Kim Meyers and Marilyn Paul (parents of seven young TBZ members)

Attending shul as an adult brings its own challenges. What will I get out of the service? Will I know anybody? How come everyone seems to know what they’re doing and I don’t?

Bringing children into the picture adds more to the mix. How can I get them to sit still, to pay attention, to want to come? What can I possibly get out of services myself if I am attending to the needs of my children?

Parents need to know that it is never too early to start bringing kids to shul at TBZ. The younger children are, in fact, the more they will absorb the environment and grow accustomed to being there. Your children are always taking in what is going on around them. Before you know it, they will begin to recognize the melodies and the words and be comfortable with the people around them. They will also soak up the kvelling and oohing and ahhing that they will receive from the older members of our shul!

Here are some thoughts and suggestions that we hope will spark some discussion in your homes. TBZ is a community of singles, seniors, couples, and families with young (and not so young) children. It is our hope that our community will grow with the energy from each of these components.

Getting Ready

Try it. Just come once to the “big shul” with your kids. Check it out. Friday night has beautiful singing, Saturday morning has Torah as well. View coming as a discovery process, not an onerous obligation.
Prime your children and excite them. During the week, talk about coming to services and what they have to look forward to (e.g. wearing their special clothes, reading their special books, special mommy/daddy time, singing, playing, seeing a special person). Shabbat can be a time for special treats–you might consider promising ice cream at Kiddush/Oneg!
Set aside special books or quiet toys to bring to shul. Try a Jewish interactive book, like one with Velcro pieces that have a Jewish theme. Check out the great variety at the Israel Book Store and Kolbo with your children and letthem pick special “shul only” things to do if they are bored. Get the kids excited about getting to look at them and use them at shul.
Set aside special clothes for shul. Most kids will get used to the idea that shul is a special place and that Shabbat is really a holiday to dress up for. Talk about “shul shoes” instead of “party shoes.”
Talk with your children about shul behavior. Prepare them that there are times when they will need to be very quiet as well as times when it’s ok to dance. Let them know that you will be able to take them out if they are fidgety, so that other people won’t be disturbed.

While in Shul

Manage your own expectations. Shul with your kids is not the same as shul without them, and you probably will not be able to experience it as you would without them. On the other hand, be open to the satisfaction and joy that you can only get when you are in shul with your kids.
Know what your children’s limits are. Come late and stay to the end or come early and leave in the middle. If they are restless, take them upstairs to play and listen to the service on the speaker or go out of the sanctuary for a drink or kosher snack and then come back.
If you are in a two-parent family, you might want to plan that one person will be primarily on “kid duty” while the other is engaged in the service. That way, instead of both adults missing the service, one gets to participate and the other one does child care. Agree on a time or part of the service to switch.
Help your children be engaged in the service by sharing the parts of being in shul that you find special. If you wear a tallit, wrap them in it, or let them wrap the fringes around their fingers. As you are singing the prayers, quietly tell your child what the prayers mean in English. Point out the pictures of the twelve tribes on the ark. Share the pictures and maps in the back of the Chumash (the red book). Have them find letters from their name in the Siddur, or the page number that you are looking for.

Some people come to TBZ because they enjoy the singing, some to pray, some come for the sense of community, some come because they enjoy the schmoozing, the Oneg/Kiddush, some love the reminder to slow down and attend to our sense of the sacred. You may discover your own sense of what you enjoy about synagogue attendance, while you build a place to celebrate your family’s spirituality. Remember,this discovery takes time; it won’thappen by coming once or twice. It really helps to plan to go to shul with another family, and it really helps, eventually, to keep showing up. We hope you will.

While you explore services in the main sanctuary, please join the TBZ Yeladim services twice monthly on the 3rd floor.

Keep posted for more happenings to come on the topic of Bringing Children to Shul!